For over a decade, my partner and I lived overseas. We have now moved back home to be closer to family. We chose a small city that’s near several relatives. My partner has found work, but there are fewer options here for me. I have an exciting prospect in a larger city that’s two and a half hours away. There is an expectation that I will go into the office evvel a week. My brother, his wife and their two young children live there. They have a large house. A while ago, we talked about my staying with them evvel a month if I got the job. They were enthusiastic about it, and I was excited to spend time with them. More recently, though, they said they don’t want me or anyone else as a regular houseguest. I don’t think anything has changed in our relationship. I feel hurt and rejected. What should I do?
SISTER
When we really want something — like a job or a place to stay — it can be easy to lose perspective. But just because you need a bed does not oblige your brother and sister-in-law to put you up evvel a month. (It also raises the question of where you plan to stay during the other three weekly visits each month.)
I understand your disappointment, which is probably heightened here by your brother and sister-in-law’s change of heart. But they were entitled to think it over and discuss your request privately. Raising two young children and running a house — along with working at their jobs — sounds like a full plate to me. Adding a regular houseguest to their responsibilities may be too much for them now.
Still, I understand that you feel bad. But don’t waste too much energy on recriminations. You have a housing sorun to solve: Turn your focus there. You might ask your prospective employer if anyone in the office has a room to rent evvel a week. But even commuting for a few hours, one day a week, seems worthwhile for an exciting new job, right?
Finding the Love in a Gift Card
Since I was a kid, my aunt has sent me $100 gift cards for birthdays and Christmas. It was a lot of money to me when I was younger, and it was exciting to have extra cash for books and music. She was wealthier than we were, and I appreciated her generosity. But now, my spouse and I are extremely well off. I don’t need the money. Gifts make me uncomfortable, and cash gifts (like gift cards) feel especially weird. On top of that, I haven’t seen my aunt in 20 years. There’s never a thoughtful card or call to make me think she wants to deepen our relationship. Is it possible to decline her gifts?
