Exploring the Dark Arts of Football
This week, the topic of football’s “dark arts” has certainly been in the spotlight. From players who excel at winding up their opponents to those who bend the rules, the world of football is not just about skill and strategy; it involves a certain level of cunning as well. Whether it’s injury fakers, divers, time-wasters, or the medical staff who seem to have a penchant for running onto the pitch at just the right moment, every team has its share of these crafty tactics. But just how adept is your club at navigating the murky waters of gamesmanship?
We will delve into metrics and data to identify the best and worst offenders in this realm, but let’s not forget that some of the most nefarious behaviors can’t be quantified. Hence, we will also conduct an eye test to judge how various teams stack up in this regard.
Before we begin, let me make two important points: firstly, this is intended to be a light-hearted exploration, so please refrain from sending nasty messages; and secondly, this is not a hall of shame. In fact, teams that effectively utilize these dark arts often find themselves more successful. A little mischievousness can go a long way in football—a sport where, often, those who play nice may end up finishing last.
Now, without further ado, let’s dive into our ranking, starting from the bottom.
20. Tottenham Hotspur
Under the guidance of Ange Postecoglou, Tottenham Hotspur has adopted a principled approach that emphasizes fair play. Postecoglou, known for his strong moral core, openly opposes cheating and believes in quickly resuming play, as evidenced by Spurs being the fastest team in the league last season with an average of 24.4 seconds per restart. He stated, “I don’t believe in the dark arts; it’s just not in my makeup.” Though Richarlison might disagree, and while James Maddison has his cheeky moments, the overall ethos of Spurs is to play the game with integrity.
xSH (expected s***housery) – 1/10
19. Bournemouth
Bournemouth enjoyed a reputation for employing dark arts during their Championship days under Eddie Howe, but they’ve toned it down in the Premier League, ranking among the teams with the fewest bookings for time-wasting last season. Their recent loan of goalkeeper Neto to Arsenal—known for his knack of winding up fans with prolonged goal kicks—also reflects a shift away from these tactics.
xSH – 1/10
18. Crystal Palace
Crystal Palace has perhaps been too nice, a trait stemming from Roy Hodgson’s tenure. With the departures of players like Jordan Ayew and Wilfried Zaha, both known for their ability to draw fouls, the team has become even softer. A tougher approach might just help them climb higher than 12th place.
xSH – 1/10
17. West Ham United
West Ham recorded only six bookings for time-wasting last season, making them one of the fairest teams in the league. Manager David Moyes stressed the importance of fair play, especially before high-stakes matches like the Europa Conference League final. His philosophy leaves little room for dark arts.
xSH – 1/10
16. Ipswich Town
The newly promoted Ipswich Town displayed some early signs of adopting the dark arts, averaging 37.2 seconds per restart in their match against Manchester City. It’s still early to determine how they will navigate the complexities of Premier League survival.
xSH – 2/10
15. Leicester City
While being annoying might not guarantee survival, Leicester has yet to demonstrate a strong knack for disrupting play this season. Although they have a few players capable of drawing fouls, they could benefit from a true dark arts master to complement their strategy.
xSH – 2/10
14. Brighton
Brighton tends to focus on playing attractive football, yet they do have players like Joel Veltman who can engage in clever fouling. He often takes yellow cards for the team while remaining strategically astute. In four seasons, he has accumulated 24 bookings without facing suspension—a testament to his tactical awareness.
xSH – 2/10
13. Everton
Everton has shown a lack of effectiveness in closing out games lately, with several missed opportunities despite leading. They may come off as too nice, although players like Jordan Pickford and James Tarkowski can exhibit some physicality. However, they generally lack the underhanded tactics associated with the dark arts.
xSH – 2/10
12. Fulham
Fulham sits firmly in the middle of the pack when it comes to dark arts, having secured four yellow cards for time-wasting this season. They have also demonstrated an ability to manage the clock effectively during games.
xSH – 3/10
11. Liverpool
Jurgen Klopp has always emphasized hard work and fair play over clever tricks. Last season, Liverpool was the second-quickest team in the league at restarts, but they remain unafraid of engaging in the occasional gamesmanship, particularly through players like Andy Robertson.
xSH – 3/10
10. Manchester City
Pep Guardiola claims his team plays honestly, but they are adept at winning fouls in tight situations. They’ve been known for tactical fouls and sometimes employ gamesmanship, as shown in their matches against teams like Atletico Madrid. Despite their success, they don’t typically rank among the masters of the dark arts.
xSH – 4/10
9. Manchester United
While United often finds themselves preoccupied with the game at hand, they have their s***house moments, particularly through Andre Onana and Bruno Fernandes, who excels in gamesmanship, often exaggerating contact and appealing to referees.
xSH – 5/10
8. Aston Villa
Aston Villa has received 13 bookings for time-wasting, ranking second in the league. Their goalkeeper, Emi Martinez, is a well-known character in the dark arts, often delaying penalties and goal kicks to disrupt the flow of play.
xSH – 6/10
7. Southampton
Although back in the Premier League, Southampton has shown a potential for dark arts tactics, particularly under Ralph Hasenhuttl. Their history of delaying tactics, including strategic team talks and clever use of advertising hoardings, suggests they have a good grasp of underhand tactics.
xSH – 6/10
6. Chelsea
Chelsea may struggle to establish a consistent approach due to frequent changes in players and management, yet they have shown moments of tactical cunning, particularly in their recent victory over Brighton.
xSH – 7/10
5. Wolves
While Gary O’Neil may present a nice-guy persona, Wolves have employed questionable methods to secure wins. Last season, they ranked poorly for time-wasting and had players like Nelson Semedo who were notorious for stretching the rules.
xSH – 7/10
4. Brentford
Brentford, despite losing key players, has built a reputation for employing dark arts effectively. Their manager, Thomas Frank, embraces these tactics and has been open about their methods, contributing to their success in the Premier League.
xSH – 7/10
3. Nottingham Forest
Nottingham Forest relishes the chance to engage in dark arts, averaging 30.2 seconds per restart this season. Players like Ryan Yates excel in drawing fouls, often employing clever tactics to disrupt opponents.
xSH – 8/10
2. Arsenal
Arsenal has become adept at employing dark arts, as demonstrated in their recent matches where they effectively disrupted the opposition’s rhythm. Their goalkeeper, David Raya, has notably mastered the art of delaying the game, earning them a high rating in this category.
xSH – 9/10
1. Newcastle United
Newcastle has carved out a solid reputation for dark arts under Eddie Howe. Between their assistant manager Jason Tindall’s antics and players like Nick Pope and Jacob Murphy engaging in clever gamesmanship, Newcastle demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of how to manipulate the flow of a match to their advantage.
xSH – 10/10
(Top photos: Getty Images; design: Eamonn Dalton)